I LOVE IT and i cry in my heart, t's... okay yeah that's a mood
LASDLKJ okay we can work on pain so this will be GREAT
yeah that was totally cute too you made them so adorable, cries into hands

Yes! He holds that all close, and he's so much stronger and more self-reliant than he gets credit for being I think, because of how friendly he is... ugh, I love him. And yeah, I agree with your interpretation, he's self-flagellating, basically, and without a penance to pay from He Xuan it's so hard for him to process any of it /hugs, that whole punish myself because he didn't and i deserve it
And yeah, I think it's easier in RP because he can be made to confront it and cope and grieve fully instead of turning it all on himself, which is what it seems like he does in canon (hence the self-destruction). He has the opotion, and he just, doesn't let himself take it when what he experiences then isn't helping or wanted by anyone but himself as a way of paying for a mistake that wasn't his, outside of trusting someone (two someones) he loves and being scared of something that is, in fact, frightening